“Just when the Caterpillar thought the World was over, it became a Butterfly!” ~ Proverb

The·Caterpillar·Diaries:–/noun/

 Pronunciation - [Th uh / kat-uh-pil-er / Dahy-uh-ree-z]

Redefining the World of (In)Fertility through the Eyes and Thoughts of an Auspicious Chic on a Journey to Discover her Wings into Motherhood.

 

~*~ Please Take Note ~*~

This blog is meant for an adult audience with a healthy sense of humor and a thickness of skin concerning material that may be deemed as gross and/or icky!  If any of the material offends you then I suggest you find that little X on your computer screen and click it … otherwise … enjoy and God Bless!

… New Wings!

… it’s time for a new diary entry.

Too much time has passed, yet so many wonderful things have taken place.  Although my ovaries and I are still not speaking, my heart & soul have come to a peaceful agreement that our pathway to parenthood is not via IVF and Zep making love to a plastic cup … but through fostering and adopting. 

I will be sure to write more … but not now. 

xoxox

To Pee or Not to Pee?

Hi …

I’m Leigh and I’m a Stick-a-Holic.  I’ve been peeing on HPT sticks for three days now and driving myself fuckin’ crazy with 4 … yes 4 disgusting BFN! 

Today is day 13 … one would think that a BFP would shine up a little at this point … even a faint line would do … but no … nada … nope … zilch!  O’ well … there’s always tomorrow morning’s first pee … am I psycho … yes … do I really care at this point … no … will I just blame it on my hormones … you bet your ass!

So … I want to see who else out there is like me: 

Zep thinks it is because I got the CVS brand of HPT and that I fall outside the 87% range of woman who get an accurate result 1 day before their expected period.

I love his optimism. 

Today is our One-Year Wedding Anniversary! 

This time last year we were standing in a candle-lit Church, surrounded by our family and friends … hand in hand … heart to heart … it was amazing!  We walked each other down the aisle and then had our Mom’s each stand and ‘present’ us to the Pastor.  We had a late evening wedding … the entire Church was lit by candles with cream roses and sunflowers all around … I felt like a princess … and he was of course my prince … hard to believe that an entire year has gone by already. 

*** Sigh ***

I feel so blessed to have this man … this marriage … I just wish I could say the same for these ovaries and this uterus!

Until tomorrow ….

Grrr …

Grrr.

It’s still BFN today.

I broke down and told Zep that I had taken a test … he just laughed at me and told me it was too early.  He’s probably right … but at 12 dpo I thought for sure I’d see at least a faint line! 

I know that a BFP can be produced by a HPT on the day of the ‘missed period’ … but many of these tests nowadays say they can produce an accurate result five days sooner.  Of course the fine print explains that only a small percentage can attest to this … the whole 99.9% accurate thing applies only to the say of your missed period, AKA 14 dpo (Monday for me). 

Also, the embryo does not implant until 6-10 days after retrieval … I’m thinking I’m on the later end of that.  Then even after it/they implant it takes another 3-4 day for the hCG level to kick up and show on an HPT.  Soooo that being said … today is day 12 … I had guessed that my implantation date would be around Wednesday or Thursday … that would mean my hCG level wouldn’t be high enough until later today or tomorrow. 

Saying all this should make me feel better … but it doesn’t … at least not 100%.  I am so damn eager to see those 2 lines … waiting for Wednesday is torture! 

I’m running down the symptom check-list in my head … mildly sore nipps and some sharp twinges that feel like their coming from the cervix, which I had the last time I was preggo.  Besides that I don’t notice much else … but I am constantly on the look out for EPS (Early Pregnancy Symptoms)!

I have 2 tests left … I feel as if I’m counting the minutes until my morning pee … even a faint line will bring me peace … and will be the best First Year Anniversary gift that Zep and I could ever dream of getting!

Still … having those 2 BFN tests makes my heart hurt.

Annoying Myself

I don’t know why I set myself up for this trip into loony-ville.

While cleaning out the guest room the other day I found a lonely HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) sitting at the bottom of a basket.  It must have been where I kept my stash a while ago and this one little fella just got forgotten about.

So I did what any other IVF – TTC – 2ww – crazy lady does … I peed on it.

It’s too soon.

Way too soon.

Way too BFN.

Great … now I’ve gone and done it! 

Now I will have to pee on a stick each and every day until I either get my BFP or get told by the doctor that I have a true BFN and welcome AF with a big ol’ bottle of wine and a good cry.

I’m not thinking negative … in fact I actually feel quite confident that it is way to stinkin’ early to get a BFP on a HPT and that I’m a dumb-ass for even wasting a perfectly good cup of pee-pee on such a ridiculous stunt. 

In fact, I was just telling myself the other day that the earliest I could count on a BFP would be Sunday, the 9th … mine and Zep’s wedding anniversary!  So why in hell did I come in the door tonight give into my pee-stick desires … I don’t know … I guess I rationalized that 36 hours wasn’t such a big deal … WRONG!  It’s a huge deal! 

Still, I’m not all down or worried … this little squeaky voice in the back of my mind assures me that we’re preggo … call it positive thinking … my guardian angel … my conscious … whatever … it’s there and I will rely more on that than the single pink like that scowled up at me tonight.  Grr!

I refuse to think that our cycle has failed … 3 PERFECT embryos … I just have to believe that at least one has taken hold … at least one has settled into the lining of it’s womb with a view!

It’s times like this when I really freakin’ annoy myself!

Pissy Progesterone

Thank God today is OVER!

The power of progesterone kicked my ass from the minute I awoke at 7am till the wee hours of this evening.  I actually think I saw my skin change colors and horns begin to protrude from my skull at one point.  I have been a flippin’ mess!

All worth it though … hello in there little trippies!

Today would have been a day-5 transfer, if it had been done that way, which means our little ones should now be entering into the blast stage.  I anticipate them digging in (implanting) sometime around Thursday of this upcoming week … maybe a day or so sooner … but by Thursday for sure. 

The anticipation of learning the results of our beta on the 12th … and the curiosity concerning the “if” with all 3, 2, or 1 will staying with us is driving me nuts already! 

Zep says I am preggo now … and he’s right … we know for sure that I have three living embryos inside … all 3 are classified as “GREAT” … so I really need to chill out and stop all the crazy hype in my head.

Still, this progesterone is one crazy ass hormone. 

 Side-effects include:

Happy. Sad. Pissy. Silly. Crying. Screaming. Laughing. Lonely. Cramped. Loving. Loathing. Sleepy. Scared. Quiet. Numb. Horny. Angry. Goofy. Dazed.

And in the next 13.5 minutes something hits ’scramble’ and I jump back on the emotional roller coaster and experience each feeling again in a different line of sequence! 

Zepdeserves a trophy and I deserve a drink … but since I’m not drinking, he’s not getting a trophy.  Fair is fair.

I pray tomorrow will be an easier day … for now I am emotional exhausted.  I have a ton of school work to dive my mind into … but it’s really not in me to hit the books like I always do.  This has got to be the toughest semester ever … too much going on at one time … my plate is full, my patience are slim, and my focus is weak.  Ugh. 

I will do whatever it takes to give our embryos the very best chance at implanting, growing, and developing into wonderful little babies … I will drink the damn progesterone if I have to … some forms actually come in olive oil … I’ll sprinkle it on my salad and saute it up with some garlic and spinach and feed it to myself … pass the salt and let’s get to business here!  I just can’t bare the heartache again of feeling loss … defeat … and emptiness. 

This has to be our time … it must … we’ve got all our hopes and dream wrapped up in these little ones … please, God … we’re ready!

Triplets Anyone?

Taa-Daa!!!

Allow me to introduce our little trippies! 

All is well from the land of bed-rest in couch-ville … as we speak there are three marvelous embryos floating around inside in search for the perfect place to dig in for the next 9 months.

Dr. Seth was a little hesitant about putting all three back because he said they were so GREAT … and was sure to warn us of the high chance of MULTIPLES!  Yeah!  I told him to BRING IT ON!  He said that all three were of perfect cell proportion, circumference, and had very minimum fragmentation.  The other three were still ok and worthy of freezing … they had a little more fragmentation, but were OK to use someday down the road … you know, like when the triplets are 2 years old or something!    I’m very thankful that we’ll have some tripcicles for the future … already we’re off to a better start than the last time around.

So, let’s take a look at our fabulous embryos!  The top left is said to be in the Morula stage and the other 2 are developing nicely into a Morula from the 8-cell stage.

Now, if only there were a way to tell if they are boys or girls!  My Mom is dying to pick out either ruffles & bows or tiny jeans & flannel shirts!

OK … so in all seriousness … I know the odds of all 3 taking hold are slim … but I do believe that my chance of having at least one have greatly increased … and the chance of twins is better now than ever before!  Plus, all three embryos were given a little kiss with a needle in a little something called ‘assisted hatching’! 

So how am I doing?

Thanks for asking!!

I’m feeling great!  I’m feeling optimistic!  I’m feeling so very hopeful … the next two weeks will drag on for sure!

I have to go back on 11/5 (Wednesday) for my Progesterone test.

The first beta test will be on 11/10 (Monday)

The second beta will be on 11/12 (Wednesday) … this is the one that will provide our BFP!  The first one is kept top-secret … as I explained in one of my previous entries … so we won’t get our good news until that Wednesday. 

From that point I don’t know if any other additional blood tests are done or when the first ultrasound will be performed.  I’m guessing it would be done sometime around Thanksgiving.

So in the meantime I will be ‘taking it easy’… enjoying Halloween with my wonderful Zep, prepping for the Thanksgiving holiday, praying for our little embies each day, and taking every day with stride and positive thinking.

So on that note … let’s talk about due dates!

According to my handy-dandy Internet IVF-calculator I may have the following dates to look forward to:

* Singleton – Due July 20, 2009

* Twins – Due June 29, 2009

* Triplets – Due June 1, 2009

I hope my progesterone level will prove to be good next week.  The shots thus far are going well.  The oil is so much thinner, it makes it easy to dispense the medicine and it is not as painful as the olive oil base shots. The suppositories (1 per night) are going well, too, not so messy and so far no spotting, which is often caused by the little inserts irratating the cervix.

 So we’re off to a good start all-around!  All 6 made it, the best 3 are swimming around inside me now, and the other 3 will be put on reserve for ’someday’.  I’m thrilled with how things are going and can only feel hopeful for good news to come!

So Egg-Citing!

Well hello there … this is Leigh the Hen coming to you live from her big ol’ couch in the living room recovery center!

Nine.

We had 9 eggs. 

Here’s a snap-shot of today’s events:

The RE said all the other ‘eggs’ on the ultrasound were just fluid filled cysts.  Our embryologist assured us that our nine eggs looked ‘really good’ and we’ll be called everyday to let us know how they are doing.  The first call will come tomorrow … I can’t wait to hear how many have fertilized!  We’re praying and praying for at least 2/3 … that would be 6 … then we can put back 3 and freeze 3.  Our transfer will be on Thursday; day three.  On that day we’ll get our embryo picture and our schedule of when to come in for blood work. 

I believe my fist test wil be 5 days post tranfer … but that one is only for Progesterone.  Next, I’ll have my first beta on the ten day mark post transfer and the final test on day twelve.  The funny thing about Dr. Seth’s office is that I won’t get the results of my first beta on day 10 … I will only get the phone call after the results of day 12 are back.  This way the news will be more ‘official’ by their terms and they’ll be able to not only tell me that I’m pregnant, but that my numbers are also doubling real pretty-like!

So here I sit with my blankie and laptop … and some happy pills I like to call ‘totally teriffic Tylenol’! 

Zep is here, too, watching some Rob Zombie movie … a really stupid movie if you ask me.  Still, he’s been great … he hasn’t left my side for a moment.  Upon our return home he promptly made me a grilled cheese and my favorite Kraft macaroni & cheese.  Yum!

Mom came over, too, and sat with me for a while.  She told me that Noel was over her house yesterday for a visit and was fishing for info about me.  Mom tried to set her straight and told her that although we were all happy for her … she was insensitive with the time and method of tell me her news.  She informed Noel that I, Leigh, am always the one whoe wears the coat of perserverance … but that after all the set-backs, disappointments, and saddness this past year I had a right to take that coat off!  Mom feels that Noel’s news and unintentional, yet insensitive way of flaunting it, is what sent me over the edge and forced me to finally grieve. 

She said that Noel understood where Mom was coming from, but then went on say how much she loves me and wants to understand what I’m going through.  Mom knows that in due time I will tell her, but for now she kept it our secret. 

Thanks Mom! 

And thank you God for my Mom!

It’s now 9pm and I think Zep and I are going to call it a day.  His crazy-wacked-out movie is finally over and I have to be up for work tomorrow.  The sharp twinges of pain still come and go … hopefully a good night’s rest will help ease them. 

In truth, the hard part is over … physically … now comes the emotional part of hormone injections, the dreaded 2WW, and the anticipation of a BFP!  Gotta love it! 

Ahh the world of IVF … those girls who easily go about having sex the old fashion way and get themselves knocked up just don’t know what they’re missing!

P.S.  I want this for christmas this year …

Psst …!

Here I am!

The last couple of weeks have had me running in every direction without my inate Garmin fully charged.

Work. School. Curriculum Writing. Research. Working on the House. Zep’s Health. Shooting-Up Fertility Meds. Toying with my Hormones.

The usual.

The new RE, Dr. Seth, started me on 125 of Follistim + 1 Menopur about ten days ago.  My response was amazing!  Instead of taking Lupron, Dr. Seth had me inject Ganarelix in the morning over the last week. 

Yesterday, Saturday, we met w/ the PA and had our final ultrasound + run of blood work.  Just with our own eyes we could count nearly 20 eggs of perfect size!  At 11:30pm Zep gave me an IM injection of HcG and at 10:45am tomorrow morning I’ll be going in for IVF #2!! 

There are so many differences with this time around … it’s hard to control the hope and excitement that we feel.  Of course I am hyper-stimulated … Dr. Seth said my ovaries are like balloons right now.  I can feel it … puffy – swollen – heavy – full … really gives me a whole new respect for hens. 

Although the eggs will be taken out tomorrow, the agony of swelling is only beginning.  Knowing this, I think I may need to get some new ‘comfy’ clothes to sport over the next several weeks. 

I’ve been doing well with the WW … not great … but OK.  The weekends are hard, but I can’t stress myself out over every little thing I eat and/or don’t eat.  I’m still weighing in as a plumpy-pretty 185 pound TTC princess! I really need to get myself on a tighter path of sticking to my 26 points … and learn how to say ‘just a little’ or plainly ‘NO!’ when offered yummy, fatty, sweet stuff.  Ohhh my sweet tooth gets the worse of me … however I can’t blame the size of my ass on the sweetness of my tooth.

I am still under the mind-set that I’ll be able to lose about 10-15 pounds during the 1st trimester.  Then I think a weight gain of only 20 pounds will be what is suggested.  We’ll see what the doctors say when the time comes.

Getting back to IVF round II … 

 We have managed to keep things hush-hush; however, just before starting the injections I found myself sitting with my Mom and I finally brought her some peace of mind by telling her our plans.  Truth be told it was a relief to me, too.  I hated to keep this information from her, but she later confessed that her motherly instincts had kicked in and she had had ‘a feeling’ all along.  The only other person who knows is her boyfriend, Grand.  He was away that weekend on a trip, but she had told me that just before he left they had a talk about Zep and I.  He was quite sure that we were ‘up to something’ … the fertility frenzy couldn’t have quieted down that quickly without any set plan in the works.  The two of them know me well enough to realized that ‘a plan’ is something that I always have for the things I want them most. 

During my talk with Mom she asked about the monies and was happy to know that Dr. Seth accepted our insurance.  The other billing issues from Dr. D’s office  are still being resolved … still there were things w/ Dr. Seth’s office that will not be covered, as with most other offices.  The anesthesia is not covered … we paid $1125.00 with hopes of getting a full reimbursement … and if there are embryos left over it will cost $900 to have them frozen … there is no chance of any financial kick back with that.  Zep and I had agreed to not have any embryos frozen … money has been tight with him out of work so much this year and we didn’t think the anesthesia was going to be so expensive.  It was only $500 at Dr. D’s office … the amount we paid for this round is more than double.  As I explained this to Mom she became adamant that she was going to talk to Grand and ask him to cover this cost so we would change our decision. Within a few days of him returning, Grand came to us and embraced our news of going forward with a second IVF.  He told us that he loved us and told us that the $900 would be ready upon the day of our upcoming embryo transfer.  Needless to say we were both very moved and excited with Grand’s offer!  He and Mom have really been our angels through-out this journey … they’re both so eager to have little feet running through the house … I hope and pray our miracle, answered prayer, and greatest gift of all is only 9 months away from tomorrow.

It’s now a little after 11pm.  In just 12 hours I’ll be going under!  I feel like I’m ready to pop … Zep and I are betting on how many eggs get retrieved.  I say 22 and he bumps it up to 23!  We don’t have to leave here until 10:40am. I’m only allowed to take a sip of water with my pills in the morning before going into the office.  I’m a bit worried about taking my pills … this morning I took them with just a sip of water and no food and within 20 min I started to feel sick.  I really thought I was going to lose it … I quickly gulped down some Ginger Ale and knawed on some pretzels.  Thankfully I began to feel better, but now I’m worried about feeling like shit in the morning while prepping for the procedure.  I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow … maybe take a pepcid or something along with the other pills. 

* yawn *

Anywayz … I should try to get some rest.  Zep is snoring in the other room … he’s eager to compare the magazines at Dr. Seth’s office with those that were at Dr. D’s office.  No wonder he fell alseep so easy! 

I, on the other hand, am ready to close my eyes and hope to for sleep to find me.  I pray this is our time.  I pray this will finally be the answer to all of our prayers. 

I’ll write more tomorrow … 20 some eggs less!

 

I Can Do This!

I’ve licked my wounds from the night before and packed on another 4 pounds.  According to the doctor’s scale this morning I weigh in at a whopping 189 pounds!  So let’s just say 190.

How the hell did I put this weight on? 

Last summer (2007) I weighed within my ‘normal’ range of 147 … still could drop about 12 pounds … but Dear God now I am faced with having to drop nearly 50 pounds just to get back to that point.  Shit.

I have been so crazy with hating my circumstances that I have totally lost track of what is most important.  I have gotten away from making good choices and have indulged in food as my crutch. 

Honestly speaking, when I smoked I was healthier.  The large chubby apple in between my chin and my ass is going to kill me faster than a Marlboro!  At least when I smoked I would put down the craving for cake, mac & cheese, or a second helping of dinner and grab my smokes. 

Last November I quit … and then I started to eat … then we started fertility treatments … and then .. then … yeah … I grew from pretty fun to pretty fat.  Blah!

A while ago … nearly 2 years ago … I had joined Weight Watchers to help me shed off 20 pounds … I wanted to go from 155 to 135 … I quickly got down to 147 and then stopped.  Dumb.

What I liked about Weight Watchers was how I didn’t have to think about it too much.  The Smart One meals were good, easy to nuke up, and all I need to do was simple first grade math to control how much I was eating.  The meetings were hard for me to get to … always on the run with a million things going on … but I saved every scrap of info they gave me. 

I have decided to dig out those scraps and jump back on the WW train … but this time I will go it alone and see if I can handle the plan online without going to meetings.  I will also up my water intake andgo for walks 3 x week … even when it’s cold outside.  Perhaps I’ll play around with my big ol’ yoga ball when ice begins to form … but until then I have no excuse to stay inside and play victim.

I estimate that I will lose about 5 pounds rather quickly, as with all diets, but on average I can lose 2 pounds a week.  I know the holidays will bring about a few obstacles … and Lord knows all the TTC drugs and hyperstimulation of my ovaries bloat me up … so I need to set realistic goals within a realistic time-frame.  This, of course, will change when/if we get our BFP and the pregnancy swings happily into the 2nd trimester. 

As it stands now, we’ll be starting the Follistim injections next week and my ER will be sometime around the 22nd of October.  This would mean that the 2nd tri wouldn’t begin until New Years … and that gives me about 11 weeks.  Within this time my goal is to get my weight down to 170 by New Years.  At this point I will readjust my goals and talk with my doctor about weight loss/gain during my pregnancy.  If I lose weight faster than anticipated and I reach 170 before New Years, Great!  Maybe at that point I’ll push for an extra 5 pounds before Jan. 1 and start the New Year at 165! 

I have to do this.  I can’t screw around any longer! 

My ultimate goal is to weigh 135 … I would be crazy wicked happy … not to mention HEALTHY at that weight.  Zepwould get more sex than he could ever dream of … but for now … ugh … just the thought of what I look like turns me off … my poor man will need a blind-fold! 

Sooo when shall I begin the WW journey?

Not tomorrow. 

Saturday.

I am picking Saturday because it’s a good day … it’s not the typical Monday start date … it gives me the weekend to pull together my resources … and it allows for me to enjoy Pancake Day tomorrow with my students without hating on myself too much. 

Ok, so now that I have put all this in writing I have to live up to it.  I can’t be ‘all talk’ … I have to be accountable!  Tomorrow will be my final thoughtless feast day … but come Saturday morning I will embrace my given Points and have some fun with being creative. 

I can do this …

I can do this …

I will do this!

Dear God, please give me strength!

Out of Vodka.

I have no reason … nor ability, strength, or desire to sugar coat this.

Half a bottle of red wine and 2 strong white Russians later I am here at my desk with only a strand of my sanity left … not enough to hang myself with … but more than enough to dangle from in this lonely little place we abbreviate as “IF”. 

I’m not a drinker.

I’m not a smoker.

Tonight … I am both. 

Why?

Because I can … which is more than I can say about getting pregnant in the first place and keeping a pregnancy in the second.

So … fuck it.

If at this point you want to turn a deaf ear or a blind eye to my writing than go for it … I won’t lose sleep … no offence.

If, on the other hand, you know how this feels … then read on … at best I will confirm that you’re not alone.

I want to preface this by announcing that Zep and I have agreed to silently go through an IVF cycle with our new RE … and without anyone in our circle of family or friends.  The 17th will be our start date … if all goes well we’ll have our ER on/about Halloween.  Am I excited? Yes.  Do I have my hopes up? No. Am I bitter? Whatever!

* drink *

I have been bleeding for nearly 5 weeks now.  Every time I go to the bathroom it’s like a tug on my sleeve saying, “Hey, look at that … remember what happened on Sept. 9th?” 

I go to work and witness the daily parade of bellies coming down the hallway.  I can’t help but to think to myself as I watch them all:

“Unplanned. Not wanted. Druggie! Has five already!  Not married. Didn’t want any. Bitches!” etc, etc, etc! 

Do I really think they’re bitches … no … but it makes me feel better in some sort of wacko way.  Hey, at least I can admit that much!

* drink *

So here it is …the picture of my day … my week … my fuckin’ life!

Zep is sick again.  Surgery #4 was yesterday.  He’ll be out of work again for 6-8 weeks.  Disability denied his claim because he’s already used up this years allotment.  He is being dx with Osteomelonotitis… or something like that … it can never be cured and will haunt him forever!  It is a cousin to the staph infection he contracted last March following surgery #2 on his right foot.  They ‘thought’ the infection had been cured while he was on home IV fusion; however, a new bacterial infection was found in May and the home IV continued with a diff. antibiotic routine.  At the beginning of June they took the picc line out and gave him oral antibiotics.  Two weeks later he was back in the hospital.  This time he was dx with Babesiostis … or something like that.  It is from a tick bite.  A form of Rocky Mounted Spotted Fever, a deadly form of Lymes … but curable via … you guessed it … antibiotics!  Ok, fine.  Ultrasounds showed that his liver and spleen were now enlarged.  Great.  Does the fun ever end?  His Platelet count was down to 35,000 … it is suppose to be around 350,000.  Any lower and we’d be matching me up as a blood donor for my husband.  Long story short, the antibiotics worked and he was cured … again. 

By the middle of August his foot was swollen again and he was limping … again.  This time I told him he needed to cut the apron strings from his Mom and seek a specialist … a real live professional foot doctor!  What an original thought! 

Right away Zep was given a script for a MRI.  The day after my m/c we found out that the infection was alive and well … in fact, it may now be a life-long illness and he could lose a portion of his toe/foot … surgery would have to be scheduled right away and another picc line would need to be put into his body so that another round of home IV fusion could be started and so that the doctors could take a biopsy of the bone.  Fuck.

Yesterday he had that surgery.

It was a long night.  He’s on bed-rest … or better, couch-rest.  I slept in the recliner so that I would be near in-case he needed me during the night.  He woke up at 12:30am and 5:30am … other than that he was OK. 

Still … this black cloud feels as if it is lowering over us and cutting off oxygen to our dreams. 

Two of our best friends came over to visit.  I’ve known her (we’ll call her Noel) for 20 years … she is truly my best friend.  She and her hubby have been through a lot … including TTC for the last year and eight months.  Although she has not had to venture down the path of having a RE … she has tasted the disappointment of AF and has had the angst of fear and rejection from motherhood that so many of us feel.  That being said, I was not prepared for her to tell me tonight … in the midst of my ranting about how sick Zep is … that she is 7 weeks preggo.  Her news was wonderful. Her timing sucked.

I should have jumped up and hugged her.

I should have screamed and squealed!

I should have high fived her and kissed her sweet glowing face.

Instead I sat there and smiled, congratulated her, and then poured myself a glass of wine.

Then my mother showed up and was given the news, too.

She expressed everything that I should have … and I hated myself even more.

Then it dawns on me.  She considers Noel a daughter … which means my mother’s first grandchild won’t even be from me.  Shit. Stab. Drink!

So what do I do? 

I throw on my defensive gear and go all out.

I’m getting a puppy.  I’m going to finish school in July and begin my Doctoral program next fall.  I’m going to travel.  I’m going to go on a cruise.  I’m going to focus on my career.  Whatever … I’m not going to live the happily ever after, wonderful Mommy, strapping healthy life that I thought I would!  Hello white Russians and Marlboro lights!

Why the hell not!?!  Everyone who has gotten pregnant around me in the last year has been either not married, a heavy smoker, a druggie, someone who didn’t want kids, someone who already has many children, or someone who is a homosexual.

Now … before I get a bunch of hate mail for saying that … hear me out.

I don’t give a shit what your lifestyle is … I think everyone should have children who wants them … but for crying out loud … was it wrong of me to think that being married, drug-free, and with a good job held rewards in motherhood?  Even my lesbian friends shake their heads and  preggo-bellies … even they feel for my frustration and jest with me about a man on Oprah getting pregnant and having a baby before I can. 

So here I sit with a buzz and an award for Asshole of the Year for not being more excited for my best friend.  Zep is on the couch hyped up with pain killers.  My mom is wringing her hands at home with happiness for Noel and grief for me.  Still, I am alive … and I for the most part, am healthy … everything happens for a reason … right? 

I know our next IVF could have me looking back at this blog entry a month from now with one hell of a laugh.  Shit, a year from now I could be reading this with a baby in my arms and a smile on my face.  Who knows.  Maybe if I could have told Noel and my Mother what we were doing I would have felt better … but I knew that for now it had to be kept a secret so I didn’t say a word. 

Damn. 

I’m out of Vodka.